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Pronouncements

June 2, 2024

It's becoming abundantly clear to me that a cult that does not engage in ritualistic sexual abuse needs…something. I mean not eating 3 Snickers bars and rubbing one’s own shoulders is cool…but still. Anyway here are some ideas: we believe / insist that not only is the earth round, but it’s even rounder than most people think; we believe / insist that true enlightenment is an impossibility and that real spiritual transcendence can only be achieved through a kind of wink wink nod nod version of enlightenment; we believe / insist that green and blue are the best colors ever.

May 4, 2024

Reflection and meditation on love. Generally speaking, ACAN is pro love. However, ACAN is specifically and conspicuously NOT a love cult, though perhaps not to the same extent that it is specifically and conspicuously not a sexual abuse cult either. Bottom line, I believe love is not to be trifled with and ACAN is obviously all about trifling. So, while ACAN followers need not love anything in particular (including 3 specific sports franchises (see October 22,2023)) you probably ought to love something for your own darn good. So here are some suggestions: key lime pie, your life partner, John Coltrane (especially the Atlantic stuff), your children, reruns of The Office, sunrises that might even be a little short, but not too short, of spectacular, a perfectly ripened raspberry, the feeling of clean sheets, effortless banter, the smell of coffee, or the one you’re with.

March 20, 2024

Further reflections upon the nature of the cosmos, as well as the time-space continuum. Buckle up dear followers it's about to get a little bit bumpy. ACAN is no longer satisfied with the space-time continuum. We now believe and that must adhere to an understanding that a third, fourth, and possibly even fifth continuum is in play. And we are particularly interested in, and deeply moved by, a continuum that I am calling Thanacan. The goings on along this dimension are a little sketchy at the present, but fortunately they become more clear as I meditate upon them. And more good news: still no ritualized, sexual abuse as best as I can tell!

February 28, 2024

It is with a certain trepidation that ACAN will now delve into cosmology. To wit, followers will now accept the somewhat controversial stance that our universe, which I have rather boldly named The Acanverse, is, in fact, not a full fledged universe but a dwarf universe. I will not bore you with the math and physics but will insist you trust me on this one. Perhaps I will one day welcome feedback and even conversation around this pronouncement, but for the time being it is what it is and an unwillingness to adhere to this understanding will constitute a major breach of the sacred bond. Fortunately, this being ACAN, such a breach will obviously have no consequences. More on the implications of this revelation to follow. Or not.

January 24, 2024

As 2024 rolls forward, it is becoming abundantly clear that ACAN is struggling to find its footing. Membership would seem to have plateaued. And we're simply not grabbing any headlines. The former issue, I suspect, is mostly an artifact of poor marketing, as I remain steadfastly convinced that our message and methods are beyond approach. As for the latter, I suspect it has something to do with our lack of ritualistic sexual abuse. But here's the thing. I refuse to market beyond the beautiful simplicity of word-of-mouth and T-shirts. And as for ritualistic sexual abuse? That remains a hard NO!

December 29, 2023

Reflections on a year nearly passed. 363 days. 8712 hours. 522,720 minutes. And of course, 31,363,200 seconds. I mean, the numbers don't lie. Do they speak for themselves? That dear followers, each of you will have to decide for yourself. Or not. So watch the sugar intake. Or not. Keep touching yourself non-sexually. Or not. And a hex on the Dallas Cowboys. I truly believe ACAN just might explode in 2024.

December 10, 2023

On the rapid passing of time and the Cult Leader’s lament. Alas dear followers, I have not lived up to power bestowed upon me. I realize you number only 2. And that one of you is really just the IT guy who helped me set this up. And that the other is my first born son who really just signed up at my behest and was reimbursed by yours truly. Still. How can I demand devotion and adherence from thou if I fail to…lead. I was shocked and appalled to see how many weeks had passed since my last message of guidance, hope, direction, and inspiration. I make no excuses beyond the sometimes paralyzing oppression of human existence. And if this reference causes you to pantomime some sort of eye rolling masturbatory gesture? Well, I reckon I had that coming. Anyway, I’ll try to do better. In the meantime, perhaps a sugar free afternoon and only a modest helping of dessert this evening?

October 22, 2023

On sport. First off, ACAN followers can root root root for whatever damn well teams they want. And they can dismiss, demean, and even disparage athletic competition on whatever grounds they choose. That said, ACAN is ardent and unflinching in it’s love and devotion to The Philadelphia Eagles, The Chicago White Sox, and Chelsea FC. Sure, two out of three are kinda in the proverbial crapper. And sure, the fact that Chelsea is struggling despite spending more on players than the GDP of many, many nations is…somewhat unsettling. But the intersection between sport and THIS CULT is a spirituality that transcends time and current rosters and league standing. Soooo…go birds!

September 19, 2023

I suppose cult leaders must show vulnerability cautiously, but here goes: I simply cannot comprehend how something as easy as changing the toilet paper roll can be such a soul-drag. Henceforth, all ACAN followers will be open and engaged around their oppression vis-à-vis this activity. Now, perhaps you're saying, “whoa, what happened to ‘my cult, my way’?” Well for Pete’s sake, it IS a cult. And as dogmatic indoctrination goes, I think we can agree this is adequately benign. I mean, 6 months in and, as promised, no ritualistic sexual abuse.

September 9, 2023

ACAN is fundamentally committed to transparency. To wit: your (somewhat) intrepid leader is dealing with diminished capacity. An artifact of backache for sure, and possibly heartache. The former is more debilitating, the latter more…to quote the late/great Frank Zappa “broken hearts are for assholes”. However, as I'm writing this, I find myself wondering if perhaps broken backs, too, are for assholes. Henceforth, all ACAN followers will stand firmly and unabashedly against both heartache and backache.

August 26, 2023

On popular music and the passage of time. On a whim, I decided to look up the 100 most listened to songs on Spotify. I was familiar with one of them - “Bohemian Rhapsody”. A fine song which I respect and need never listen to again. After 10,000 listens, it has nothing left for me. It peaked at number nine on the US pop charts in 1976 and was the 18th most popular song that year behind such enduring masterpieces as Johnnie Taylor’s “Disco Lady” and Silver Convention’s “Fly, Robin, Fly”. The following year, John Ianni would bring News of the World into the 6th grade cafeteria but a teacher would ultimately disrupt the playing of “Get Down, Make Love” before its completion deeming it too provocative (presumably, she didn’t really explain her decision). No matter, we just liked the opening lines of the first verse which we heard as You kick by buckteeth, I give you heat. You say your hungry, I give you meat. Apparently, the actual lyrics are You take my body not You kick my buckteeth. Oh well, both work.

July 26, 2023

Reflections on grief and loss. Generally speaking, I am not a big fan of either. As such, ACAN stands proudly antithetical - think jubilant contentedness. That said, is there a role for ACAN to play in the grieving of loss in its followers’ lives? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I’m reminded of a story wherein the grief-stricken protagonist having suffered immense loss endures incredible hardship as he seeks out a reclusive Shaman in the Amazon jungle. When he finally reaches his destination and is able to ask this spiritual leader for guidance in his journey to becoming whole again, the Shaman merely shrugs and suggests that wholeness is overrated. So anyway, I think that covers it for now.

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