Pronouncements

ACAN is fundamentally committed to transparency. To wit: your (somewhat) intrepid leader is dealing with diminished capacity. An artifact of backache for sure, and possibly heartache. The former is more debilitating, the latter more…to quote the late/great Frank Zappa “broken hearts are for assholes”. However, as I'm writing this, I find myself wondering if perhaps broken backs, too, are for assholes. Henceforth, all ACAN followers will stand firmly and unabashedly against both heartache and backache.

On popular music and the passage of time. On a whim, I decided to look up the 100 most listened to songs on Spotify. I was familiar with one of them - “Bohemian Rhapsody”. A fine song which I respect and need never listen to again. After 10,000 listens, it has nothing left for me. It peaked at number nine on the US pop charts in 1976 and was the 18th most popular song that year behind such enduring masterpieces as Johnnie Taylor’s “Disco Lady” and Silver Convention’s “Fly, Robin, Fly”. The following year, John Ianni would bring News of the World into the 6th grade cafeteria but a teacher would ultimately disrupt the playing of “Get Down, Make Love” before its completion deeming it too provocative (presumably, she didn’t really explain her decision). No matter, we just liked the opening lines of the first verse which we heard as You kick by buckteeth, I give you heat. You say your hungry, I give you meat. Apparently, the actual lyrics are You take my body not You kick my buckteeth. Oh well, both work.

Reflections on grief and loss. Generally speaking, I am not a big fan of either. As such, ACAN stands proudly antithetical - think jubilant contentedness. That said, is there a role for ACAN to play in the grieving of loss in its followers’ lives? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I’m reminded of a story wherein the grief-stricken protagonist having suffered immense loss endures incredible hardship as he seeks out a reclusive Shaman in the Amazon jungle. When he finally reaches his destination and is able to ask this spiritual leader for guidance in his journey to becoming whole again, the Shaman merely shrugs and suggests that wholeness is overrated. So anyway, I think that covers it for now.

Recently, a prospective follower asked me what ACAN’s stance was on the use of drugs and alcohol. And I told him I would likely give it some thought. It seemed readily apparent that a cult probably should have a stance on the use of drugs and alcohol. So here we go. My first thought is an unambiguous and unwavering indifference. However, that feels a little wishy-washy, even by ACAN standards. And so: all Acan followers are free to use drugs and alcohol, but not to the extent that their dignity is significantly compromised. I figure, the concept of dignity is vague and ambiguous enough that some fairly robust partying is still in play. I’m mostly abstemious myself, for what it’s worth.

Overheard the following at a Taco Bell and wondered if perhaps it offered an opportunity for enlightenment: Customer: whatcha got that ain't crunchy? Employee: pretty much everything besides the crunchy tacos, nachos, and Mexican pizzas are not crunchy. Customer: what do you recommend? Employee: I'm a big fan of the chalupas. Customer: they look a little crunchy. Employee: they're more kinda crusty than crunchy, really delicious. Customer: gimme three burrito supremes and a side of nachos.  Employee: do you want a drink with that?  Customer: nah, just give me a cup of water…and one of them watermelon berry lemonade freezes.

The NIH and ACS both recommend that women consume about 2200ml of water daily and that men consume about 3000ml. The CDC USDA and the AHA recommend 2700ml and 3700ml for women and men respectively. I think. I got a little distracted. Be that as it may, ACAN recommends the following: 2300ml for women and 3250ml for men. Now drink up.

All followers (a term I’ll use interchangeably with members) must be able to navigate the murky waters between being about almost nothing while also being conspicuously of the LIVE AND LET LIVE mindset. Though as always, members are also ultimately free to chose from the other three variations of this tenet on a case by case basis. However, should a follower choose quadrant four it MUST be either ironic and/or symbolic. ACAN ABSOLUTELY AND CATEGORICALLY CONDEMNS MURDER SUICIDE. Even a Cult as loosey goosey as ours must sometimes take a stand.

As I continue to ponder little somethings to litter our vast and deeply soulful NOTHINGNESS with, I believe I've struck gold! Or at the very least silver. Obviously, that thing I said about non-sexual physical intimacy was just a quip. However, it has become clear to me, that perhaps we might just as well double down  on that quip. But with an ACAN twist. Hence…ALL FOLLOWERS OF ACAN SHALL (read: are vaguely encouraged to) DEVELOP A NON-SEXUAL PHYSICAL INTIMACY ROUTINE WITH THEMSELVES AND PRACTICE THIS ROUTINE REGULARLY (within reason). This could be kind of like our thing. So do it publicly, and when someone asks you what you're doing, tell them "it's an ACAN thing", and that they probably wouldn't understand. And then encourage them to check out the website nonetheless.

Meeting with the website guy on Monday. So it might be a good time to be a little more directive-someone could actually be reading this in the not-too-distant future. Because while ACAN is essentially a spiritual celebration about nothing, followers like yourself will need something to follow lest you feel like your $5 (or $25 with the t-shirt) was squandered. So, and this is big, ALL MEMBERS OF ACAN SHALL BE WARY OF SUGAR. I mean, the science seams more of less resolved. You can still have a snickers bar, I guess, maybe even two. But three would seem out of the question! So…NO FOLLOWER OF ACAN SHALL HAVE MORE THAN 2 FULL SIZE SNICKERS BARS IN A SINGLE DAY (within reason)! Same goes for Kit Kat, Three Musketeers, Twix, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, etc. Peppermint Patties will be a case by case situation.

REFLECTIONS ON PHYSICAL DECAY, DISEASE PROCESSES, AND THE INTERPLAY BETWEEN SPIRITUAL HEALTH AND AND PHYSICAL UNWELLNESS. As my cold will not relent I find myself frustrated and wondering if perhaps I should drop my current low carb diet to an even lower carb diet. Members, I beseech thee, always consider the “low” version of something before the “no” version of something. Why are so few people low gluten relative to those who are no gluten. But I digress. As is my wont. I mean, say what you will about how fickle the voodoo ritualists’ wives tend to be, they sure are a healthy lot.

Hot dang, I’m a cult leader. Who’d have thought. A leader of none but a leader nonetheless. I can’t say I’ve always dreamed of this but it has been on my mind for a least the past couple of months. And I have alway been a less is more kind of fellow so a leading a cult about nothing does feel, if not quite self-actualizing, right! I wonder if I’ll get any followers. If so, I hope they believe that this is not just a cash grab. Though to be perfectly honest, it’s not entirely not a cash grab. Gotta get that T-shirt made. That’s all for now.